Idiot Watch - The Death of Michael Jackson

Image by tleonard1 via Flickr

The death of arch kiddie diddler Michael Jackson, means that this is "The Happy Time", as they used to say on German U-Boats. The internet is truly awash with glorious stupidity, a happy hunting ground for The Idiot Watch department of miserableoldbugger.

Our stupidity reference library is, of course, the comments section of the Times Online.

Let's kick off with "jayil, london, uk". Lower case "jayil" is quite possibly certifiable:

"In memory of MJ I have been on a 48 hour continuous moonwalking marathon. People on the streets are giving me funny looks, but my dedication for MJ must continue... I'm devastated."

I was going to say something satirical like "Get a job, you twat" but, I suspect that he is already doing the late shift at a McDonalds, somewhere near you.

"KONRAD, SANDIEGO, AMERICA", mental age of 3, shouted this:

"ITS SAD THAT HE DIED IMSURE WE WILLALL MISS HIM I REALLY LIKED HIS SONGS AND HOW HE DID THE MOON WALK R.I.P MJ".

Wise words KONRAD. I would have personally added that he also had fabulous hair though it transpires that the hair wasn't actually his, so can't technically be counted as a positive feature. The "piece", mounted on a bucket of shit, could fill in for him at the O2 shows.

Lower case "robert, denver, usa" paints a beautiful picture for the typical god bothering fan of the small boy buggering, plastic surgery afficianado:

"....Moonwalking through the Pearly Gates. All the Saints marveling at the sight. Jesus coming up to meet him. "Show me how you do that thing, Michael." "Sure Jesus, you just..." A sweet image in my mind......"

Only to be cruelly shot down by the higher moral tone of fellow "believer" "CIL, London, United kingdom":

"Actually, I don't think michael will be showing JESUS how to moonwalk. I think michael will be bowing down to THE LORD JESUS, thanking him for giving him the talent to moonwalk in the first place.

michael, your talent was truly GOD given. Rest in peace, I can't believe you are gone."

You can always rely on christians and Apple marketing men for the random insertion of capital letters - whilst spelling "Michael" with a lower case "M". Also, given that Jackson was, alledgedly, a muslim, does he still get to meet Jesus?

"Richard McVay, El Paso, TX, USA" goes someway to PROVING my POINT about random CAPITALISATION of important WORDS:

"May you rest in peace Michael. I remember being 6yrs old wearing the red Thriller Jacket with zippers all over and going happy to school. I still cant believe this happned. Your LEGACY will live on forever. Every musician now owes you for being the pionere of the dance. May JESUS hold you in his gra"

And leaves us with the mystery of Jesus and his "gra". What exactly is a "gra", Dickie? It sounds interesting but can't be that good, or it would be in BIG letters.

And finally:

"Michael, you changed the world with your music. In return we isolated you and ended up calling you a wacko. Forgive us, for we lost sight of the human you were and the art you gifted to us. Rest in peace."

Thanks for that, "JLD, Los Angeles, USA" but may I point out that he was a kiddie fiddling, pill popping, baby dangling, mask wearing, nose losing, skin whitening, nut case?

And therefore may, quite reasonably, be referred to as "wacko".

Has everyone forgotten that my teenage wank fantasy, Farrah "Foreskin" Majors died on the same day?

Idiot Watch - Louise of London

Today's Times has the tragic story of a teenage army cadet who drowned in a Scottish loch.

Fast forward to the comments........Andrew of Godalming: 
"A tragic event but unfortunately not surprising given the level of incompetence in our armed forces."

Good point Andrew. Then, 2 comments later, an idiot turns up:

"Andrew this happened in the US so how can you refer to 'incompetence in our armed forces.? "

Says Louise of London, mental age of three.

I re-read the article to see how poor Louise got so confused......."Loch Carnan, South Uist..." it sounds distinctly Jockanese to me but, hang on, what's this....it mentions a "sheriff". Poor Louise, who probably knows how to handle a mobile phone, has a Facebook account, and a degree in media studies is blissfully unaware that Scotland has sheriffs too. When she reads that "sheriff" word she sees Kevin Costner in a big hat and disregards every other detail in the story, including the fact that the poor child concerned was from Aberdeenshire (that's in Scotland, Louise).

Louise I take my ten gallon (sheriff's) hat off to you. You are an idiot's idiot. Well done.