2009-05-16

Iphone Marketing


Attention Apple Marketing experts: notice that I wrote the word Iphone using the English language, where a real name begins with a capital letter.
I am sure the Iphone is absolutely lovely. Absolutely sure. However, I will never own one, for the same reasons that I will never own an Ipod.
These reasons, in no particular order are:
  • I couldn't bear to put money in the pocket of Steve Jobs.
  • I am fervently anti-fashion.
  • I have cunt-lag (constantly behind the times).
  • I couldn't bear to join the legions of the Apple fascista with their propensity for regurgitating Apple marketing sound bites as a justification for choosing their particular product. “It just works!”. Fuck off, dimwit.
I recently saw one of those adverts for the Iphone – you know, the ones that are all speeded up so that it looks like web pages and applications load in milliseconds and only require some incomprehensible swipe of the screen to activate? The advert concluded with something that did catch my eye – a spirit level application. Very impressive. There is just one thing though – are they seriously suggesting that any of the Iphone owning metrosexuals out there would actually know what a spirit level is, how to use it or how to actually put up some shelves?
Iphones are owned by skateboard riding students who have lived at home too long, who stay in bed till at least midday and get their mums to do all of their laundry (mostly jeans, to be strapped around the thighs just below the arsehole of the arsehole who is “wearing” them). 
Or sales representatives..... 
They belong to a generation that will never put up a shelf. Even if they ever grow up and leave home.
Shelves are erected by men called Neville, men with monochrome LCD Nokias. And correctly fitting trousers. Possibly with a bit of a gut hanging over the belt. 
The adverts would be better aimed at the parents who are actually buying the things for little "Jake". Perhaps a shot of a student, rising from his bed at midday and then looking slightly less sullen when he realises that his pathetic parents have stumped up another couple of hundred quid on something to make him fit in better with his happy slapping peers.
And he can keep his old Nokia for when he needs to take pictures, video, or send an MMS.